


I Choose You

by Finally_Facing_Failure



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, F/M, Family, Multi, Starkid - Freeform, i have a few starkid references in here heheheheh, mental health, the guy who didnt like musicals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 10:11:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19374589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finally_Facing_Failure/pseuds/Finally_Facing_Failure
Summary: Emma Perkins is in her late twenties and has been working at Beanie's for eight months when a cute stranger walks into her life. Can she be a part of his family, or is her past haunting her too much?





	I Choose You

_“But even after all this, I still don’t hate you.” The voice sounded quiet, but angry, bitter._

_Emma took a sharp breath, pressing the receiver to her ear. “You’re just saying that.”_

_“No. God, I wish I was. But, no.” A miserable sigh._

_Emma did not know how to respond to that. So, she didn’t. After a few minutes, she heard a soft “Fuck.”, after which the phone call ended. She had really screwed up this time. There would be no fixing this._

 

Emma had been working at Beanie’s for eight months now, taking on every shift she could to pay her college fees and rent on a shitty shared apartment. Her landlord was an old lady, who rented this apartment to her and three other women in their late twenties. The rent was relatively low, which allowed Emma to lower her student loans.

However, in order to have enough money to buy groceries every week, Emma relied heavily on her shitty co-workers to not show up to shifts so she would be called in. She took most of her classes at night, so that the day could be spent working. She mostly studied during breaks, or in between shifts.

She didn’t really have friends. Most people in her classes were ten years younger than her, and her colleagues were either much younger as well, or just plain shitty.

So, she spent all of her free time working or studying. She babysat quite a lot; her nieces were a big fan of her stories of all the countries she’d visited. Her brother-in-law, Richard, was glad to use the time to work or go out with friends.

The closest thing she had to a friend was her molecular biology teacher, professor Hidgens. She would sometimes stay back a few minutes after class, talking to him about his college days or discussing current events.

She could relate to the professor. He had a history of bad mental health and would sometimes show up to class with dark circles under his eyes, or a lot skinnier than he ought to be. But regardless of how he was feeling, he always showed up to class, and Emma respected him for that.

On Richard’s advice, she had gone to see a therapist, which had made Emma realise that she should’ve done that seven and a half years ago, when she moved out of her parents’ house to ‘see the world’.

Emma tried to hint to professor Hidgens that he should try therapy as well, but the man would not hear of it. So, she helped as much as she could, paying attention in class, buying him groceries when he was looking too skinny again. The professor had come to respect her.

Emma was working a morning shift, hoping to finish early so she’d have time to study for her botany test, when a man came running into the shop. There was no one around, the early morning rush already over, so the man did not realise he wasn’t alone at first.

“GOD!” He yelled out in fright as he saw her. “Sorry! I didn’t realise you were here!” He said, laughing embarrassedly.

“It’s all right, why were you running?” Emma figured she was allowed to make small talk, there was literally no one there. Well, except Nora, but Emma’s manager was in the back, probably texting someone and not working.

“There was a flash mob outside.” The man said this as if this was a perfectly good reason to be running.

“Right. So… Why were you running?”

The man laughed, “I fucking hate musicals. I don’t know, people singing whilst performing perfectly synchronised dancing? Freaks me out.”

Emma snorted, looking the man over. He was kind of cute, probably about her age. He was looking at her as well, probably at the ridiculous shorts they had to wear as part of the uniform.

“Sounds fair enough. Can I get you anything?”

“Just a black coffee, please.”

“Can I get a name for that?” Emma asked innocently. They weren’t a Starbucks, so they didn’t have to take names, but so what? He was cute!

“I’m Paul.” The man thought for a moment, before adding, “What is your name?”

Emma was a little taken aback, usually people didn’t give a crap about the servers, just wanted to get their coffee and get out. “I’m Emma. Nice to meet you.”

Emma started working on Paul’s coffee, pressing the buttons on the machine by memory. From the corner of her eye, she saw Paul stuff some money into the tip jar. She pretended as though she didn’t see, as technically they were supposed to sing when tipped.

The owner had brought it back from a trip to Britain last weekend. Apparently it had been all the rage there and now they had to do it here as well. Emma could lose her job if she refused to cooperate.

Of course, this was the moment Nora decided to come back from her 50-minute break. “Emma? Did you get a tip?” She smiled warmly at Paul, before turning her attention back to Emma. “Well, you know the tip-song! We’ve been practicing all morning!”

Emma sighed, “Oh, sorry Paul, I didn’t notice.”

Emma tried to leave it at that, but Nora raised an eyebrow at her in annoyance. Emma sighed again.

“ _IIIII’ve been brewing up your coooooffeeee_ ”

“Oh, no thanks, it’s okay!” Paul interjected. “I’d rather she didn’t” He added, as he saw Nora open her mouth.

“Well, okay then. Emma, you’ve got a line, keep working.” Of course, Nora found a way to blame this on Emma.

A teenage boy had entered the coffee shop unnoticed. He was one of Emma’s regulars, always got upset if she didn’t make his order fast enough.

Emma scribbled Paul’s name on his cup, adding a little smiley. As she handed it to him, their hands touched, which made Emma blush. She quickly turned attention to the boy. “Your regular?”

The boy nodded and already got out his money to pay. That reminded Emma that she hadn’t handled Paul’s payment yet. She looked over to where he had sat down, scrolling on his phone. Whatever, she’d cover for him.

After handing ‘Hot-chocolate-boy’ his drink, Emma glared into the tip jar. It was nearly empty, just a few coins and one dollar-bills. However, there was one five-dollar bill. Holy shit, had Paul tipped her that much? He must’ve kind of liked her too, because there was no way that five-dollar bill was for the coffee. The coffee fucking sucked.

Emma glanced back to see if Nora was in sight, but her manager had retreated into the break room. Emma smiled, and went over to Paul.

“Hey. What are you up to?” She asked, trying to be casual.

“Oh, just checking my email. My boss let us all come in late today, and I keep waiting for a message to say it was a joke and I’m actually fired.” Paul smiled at her, putting his phone away.

“Wow, a late start to the day! I can’t even remember the last time I had one of those.”

“You work a lot?” Paul asked, allowing Emma to rant about her life for a few minutes. Unbeknownst to her, a small line had formed at the counter.

Nora came out of the break room, looking like a mess. “EMMA! You have a line!”

“God, sometimes you’d think I’m the only one working here.” Emma sighed, making to get up.

“Right! Well, see ya!” Paul smiled charismatically, if not a little nervous.

“Yeah,” Emma smiled back, “I’d like that.”

 

Emma noticed Paul around the shop more often since that first day. She tried to talk to him if she could, but more often than not he came by when all working people did, and she had to move faster than lightning to keep up. Nora and Zoey did not work half as hard as she did, and they both outranked her.

Their boss did not notice, because only Nora and Zoey were told when he was coming by to check on the shop. On those days, they either didn’t have a shift, or were working their buts off for once. Emma never got the recognition she deserved, but she was glad to be working. She really needed the money.

After a few weeks of Paul coming in once or twice a day, Emma managed to find out what company he works for.

“CCRP Technical? But there is a Starbucks just across the street from that!” The price was about the same, and their pastries were probably better. Plus, the workers there probably didn’t spit into the coffee when they were bored. Thinking about that made Emma suppress a smile. She did not like Nora and Zoey, but their shared hatred for Beanie’s sure was a bonding point.

“Oh, I don’t want to give my money to some corporation…” Paul said, “Plus, some things are worth it!”

For a moment Emma thought he meant her. That would be great, because she could not stop thinking about Paul. His visits were the highlights of her day. And somehow, he always visited when she was working, she had asked Nora if she’d seen in him when Emma wasn’t working. Nora had smirked as she shook her head.

But then Paul awkwardly followed himself up with, “Like this coffee!” He took a sip. “Damn, that’s good.” Emma laughed despite herself. Paul was adorable, although he was a bit of an idiot.

“Hey, I might even order a pastry, if I ever come in early enough to have time to eat it.” Paul probably meant that as a nice compliment, but Emma’s eyes went big. Their pastries fucking sucked. She smiled at Paul and continued working, before Nora could come in to yell at her.

Emma had a few hours of free time before her next class, and Richard had cancelled her as babysitter because he was ill, so she took some of Beanie’s recipes home to practice. She wasn’t very experienced as a baker, but when she was little, she and her sister would make all kinds of treats.

Emma immediately noticed a few flaws in the recipes. The cooking time didn’t make sense, or it didn’t mention how much sugar to put in. She found a few recipes online and compared them to hers. Who the fuck had come up with these?

She only had about an hour left, so she made a few raspberry-filled cupcakes. She didn’t have time to taste them, so she brought a few to class. If these were good, then maybe she had at least one thing she could serve Paul, should he come in early tomorrow.

Part of her wondered why she was putting in so much effort. She barely knew Paul, let along outside of Beanie’s. She arrived in her class, taking a seat in the back as usual. She took out a cupcake, taking a cautious bite. She had to stop herself from moaning, god that was good!

Professor Hidgens came in, looking especially pale today. He started his lesson, a short lecture followed by a class discussion on the homework (that no one, note even Emma, had finished). Sighing, Hidgens ended the lesson early, gaining a more enthusiastic response than he had all semester.

Emma looked at the cupcakes in her bag, and then at the professor. She ripped off a piece of paper from her notebook and wrote the address of her therapist on it, with his phone number. She slipped the paper in the bag of cupcakes, and left it at Hidgens’ desk. She left the room before he could notice.

 

Paul did come in early the next day, but he was not alone. Sat at his table next to him, sipping a latte, was Ted. Emma had known Ted from high school, he was a year or so older than her and used to hit on every girl he saw. He hadn’t changed much over the years.

Zoey was working this shift with her, so Emma let her handle the transaction, pretending to be busy reorganising the pastries. Zoey shot her a look, but Emma ignored her.

She didn’t quite understand why she was acting this way, it’s not like Paul owed her a conversation. It was just so nice to talk to him every day. The guy even came over on the weekends, when Emma was quite sure he didn’t have to be around for work.

Zoey came to stand next to her after a while, when Emma was cleaning the espresso machine. “Hey Em.”

“Hi.” Emma said, slightly surprised. Zoey could be a bit of an asshole and a drama queen, and she hadn’t often bothered to talk to Emma.

Zoey pointed to Paul and Ted, chatting at their table. “Cute guys, right?”

“They’re like ten years older than you… But yeah, I suppose.” Emma sighed, putting down her sponge.

“I think Ted is really adorable. He’s just got that vibe… Do you think he’d be good in bed?” Zoey asked, bumping her shoulder against Emma’s.

What was happening? Why was Zoey doing girl-talk with her? “Uhm, again, he is too old for you. And I’d rather not think about Ted in bed, eugh.”

Zoey giggled, “I know why. You only care about Paul! Why don’t you go bring him one of your delicious cupcakes? And your number!” Emma’s eyes went wide and she turned away from Zoey.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t. Well, then you probably don’t care that Paul asked about you a few weeks back!”

“He did?” Emma said, way too greedy. Zoey smirked and leaned over, so that no one at the bar would hear her.

“He came in during my shift and asked about your schedule. He seemed rather smitten with you, so I told him.”

“You did _what_? He could’ve been a rapist!” Emma whispered back, slightly disgusted. She didn’t think Paul was a rapist, but Zoey didn’t know that.

“Yeah, I only realised how wrong that was of me until he came in three days later to apologise for being a creep. He’s not going to hurt you though, I made him pinky-promise it.”

Emma had to laugh at that, seeing how convinced Zoey was that a pinky-promise would stop a rapist. “Thanks, Zoey. That’s really nice of you.”

“Are you going to give him your number or what?” Zoey said, getting the coffee pot to do some refills.

Emma pursed her lips and thought it through. Paul was cute, and he seemed really nice. Plus, he’d talked about getting a treat someday, so the cupcake could be a nice gesture. What did she have to lose? Worst case scenario, he’d never call and she’d go back to just talking to him for a minute a day.

Before she could lose her confidence, she wrote her number on a napkin and placed one of the remaining cupcakes of that morning on top of it. She walked by Paul’s table on her way to clear some cups, and placed the cupcake between Ted and Paul. “On the house.”

Fuck, she’d only gotten one. Should she have gotten two? She quickly walked away and brought the dirty cups to the kitchen. After she’d cleaned them, she started cleaning the surface of the bar, since everyone who had been sitting there had left.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Paul and Ted arguing quietly. Was this about the napkin? Ted pointed toward Emma, and Paul shook his head vigorously. Was Ted trying to convince Paul to come over? Go Ted!

Looking for something to do, she turned her back to the shop and started rearranging the cups that were on display. She heard footsteps behind her, but she didn’t want to see if it was really him.

“Hey.” She turned around to find Ted at the bar, not Paul.

“Uhm, hi?”

“Look, sweetheart, thanks for the number, I really appreciate it. I have to say no thank you, though. I was kind of waiting for that Latte-Hottie over there to shoot her shot.” Ted pointed at Zoey, who giggled.

“Fucking gross, dude! She’s nineteen!” Emma pretended to vomit. “Plus, it wasn’t for you, it was for…” Emma looked back at Paul, who was fidgeting nervously, obviously feeling awkward about the fact that Ted had gone up to the bar. When he saw her, he smiled. She couldn’t help but smile back.

Ted’s eyes went big. “Oh… Sorry!” He quickly turned around, taking the napkin with him. Emma thought that was sort of funny, the guy didn’t seem used to rejections.

Emma turned to Zoey, “Please don’t date him. _OR_ do him! He’s much older than you, which makes you vulnerable and – “

“It’s fine.” Zoey smiled, “It’s just a little flirting. I would never actually date him. I have an older brother who would lose his shit if I were to come home with someone like Ted. Not just because of his age, he’s just a bit of a shithead.” Emma nodded her agreement, but something in her hurt. She used to have an older sibling who’d…

“Emma?” Paul had come up to the bar at last, holding the napkin. He was smiling brightly, which made Emma happy.

“Hey” Emma grinned at him, hoping that his smile meant that he appreciated her giving him her number.

“I wanted to pay for the cupcake. You know, you put effort into making that so I should… Also, thanks for your number. I – uhm – I wanted to give you mine, too.” Paul gave her the napkin back, which had his number scribbled next to hers. He’d also added a little heart.

Emma thought it was adorable that Paul seemed a little nervous. “Thank you, but you don’t have to pay! It’s on me.”

Paul took out his walled. “Okay then, I won’t pay you for it.” He then proceeded to put a five-dollar bill in the tip jar. “Have a nice day!”

The little shit! Emma tried very hard not to laugh, but failed miserably. “That is way too much for one cupcake!” She yelled after him, which made Zoey look up.

“Ooh, it worked?” She looked at the napkin and made an impressed face. “Damn, a heart! He is definitely into you!”

“Shut up and get back to work.” Emma said, but as soon as Zoey turned around, she stuffed the napkin in her pocket.

 

Paul and Emma kept texting each other, every day, for the next two weeks. He also came in most days to get a black coffee, or on occasion a caramel frap. He sometimes brought along friends from his office: Bill, Charlotte, Ted, or on occasion Melissa, their boss’ assistant.

The latter had decided to pretend like the napkin incident hadn’t happened, which ensured that Emma kept using it to shut him up whenever he was being an ass. Which was quite often.

Emma and Paul started meeting outside of the coffeeshop as well as their short conversations during Emma’s shifts. They’d gone to the park twice during Paul’s lunch break, and they’d also gone for dinner.

It was like there was a mutual agreement that they might date someday, but so far it had just been getting to know each other. Emma felt really at ease with Paul, which she hadn’t expected.

Plus, she really liked his friends. She had been nervous meeting Bill and Charlotte for the first time, since she didn’t have any friends of her own and she wasn’t used to the atmosphere.

She was kind of becoming friends with Zoey, but Zoey was 10 years younger, and they wouldn’t hang out after work, just make friendly conversation during shifts.

But Emma really liked Bill and Charlotte, after the initial weirdness. Bill was a rather awkward person, but he was a real sweetheart. Charlotte emitted a nervous energy, and Emma was rather taken aback by how forward Charlotte was, and how much she overshared. However, it only took Emma those two short weeks to get used to them.

Today was the first time where Emma would actually hang out with Paul and his friends. Paul was going to pick her up after class, and drive her to Bill’s place. Bill’s daughter was at her mom’s for the week, which always made Bill sad, Paul had mentioned. So, to cheer him up, they were going to have a barbecue in Bill’s backyard.

Emma kept watching the clock during class, wondering when it would be five o’clock. She was excited to go, although she was also scared. What if Paul’s friends thought she was a loser? All she did was work and study, and she only did that because of her sister… Well that was a completely other story, which they needn’t know.

Emma’s botany professor announced the lecture would end ten minutes early, so Emma packed her things as fast as she could. She walked to the parking lot, which was unfortunately empty. Paul hadn’t arrived yet, which wasn’t odd. Emma realised she was going to have to wait for at least seven minutes.

She leaned against the building, playing a game on her phone to pass the time. After a while, a boy from her class joined her. He was the frat-boy type. He barely showed up in class, and when he did, he was usually either hungover or still tipsy.

“Hey, Emma, right?” He asked, so Emma nodded.

“I’m James, we’re in botany together?”

Emma turned her attention to him, realising it was rude not to speak. “Yeah, hi.”

James smiled charmingly, waving at her. “You’re looking good today.”

He said it very casually, and Emma made a face. “Ugh.” She wasn’t going to reply to that, this boy was, like, eighteen.

“Hey, I complimented you!”

“Good for you.” Emma said, with a very fake smile.

“Well,” James said, leaning forward a bit, “how about you and I go out together? I’ll buy you dinner.”

“No thanks.” Emma said. Then, without really thinking about it, she added, “I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”

James frowned and leaned back. “Oh, well. I don’t do another man’s woman.” Like that would’ve happened otherwise.

“Good for you.” Emma repeated, wishing James would just leave.

“Yeah. I’m a really great guy.” James said, like doing the decent thing made him special. He opened his mouth to say something else, but a voice behind Emma interrupted.

“Emma! Sorry I’m late.” Paul had snuck up on her, and put his arm around her. “Everything okay?”

Emma could kiss him! He had just completely saved her from James. I mean, he probably would’ve drooped off once Emma hit him with her age (she looked younger than she was), but it was still nice to not have to bother.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just saying goodbye.” Emma said, walking away without saying goodbye.

It wasn’t until they reached Paul’s car that Emma realised he still had his arm around her. She stepped back from him, making him drop his arm.

“I’m sorry if you heard I called you my boyfriend. I just wanted to get that guy off my back.”

“It’s fine, Emma. I’m okay with it.” Paul smiled.

Emma sighed, it kind of wasn’t okay. They were taking it slow, they’d only kind of being going out for two weeks. She wasn’t ready to make it official, and she didn’t want to force that on him. They hadn’t even properly dated yet!

“No, I really am sorry. We don’t have to think about that yet. I shouldn’t have pushed a label on you, especially because I thought you weren’t there.”

“That’s okay. Hey, completely unrelated, would you ever want to go on a date with me?” Paul said, smiling calmly at her. Of course he was calm, he now knew she had thought about them being official. She wasn’t annoyed though, she rather liked that he hadn’t asked her out before knowing if she’d be into that.

“That sounds great.” Emma said.

Paul gestured for her to get in the car, so she did. It wasn’t a great car, as far as Emma knew, but it had air-conditioning, which was nice because it was quite hot for April. As they drove, Paul put on some music.

“I thought you didn’t like music?” Emma looked at him from the passengers’ seat.

“Oh, I do, just not musicals. And I guess my taste in music isn’t really well-developed, but I do like to listen to some every now and then.”

Emma nodded, and they spend the rest of the ride making small talk. Bill’s place was 20 minutes away from Emma’s community college, but it felt like only moments had gone past when they arrived. Emma liked talking to Paul, it made her feel at ease.

They pulled up at Bill’s house at the same time Charlotte did. The woman was wearing a t-shirt with a fluorescent cat on it. It was so completely in-character, that Emma had to stifle a laugh.

“Hey, Charlotte!” Paul said, as he got out of the car. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m fine thanks! Sam was in quite a good mood today!” Charlotte said, hugging Paul and then Emma too. Emma thought it was odd Charlotte always mentioned Sam when asked about her well-being. Their relationship was a mystery to her, but maybe she’d understand once she got to know Charlotte a little better.

They rang the doorbell, and Bill came to open the door. “Hey guys! Come on in!”

Ted was already there, and he gave everyone a hug hello. Odd, Emma had never taken him for a touchy-kind of person. She noticed his hug with Charlotte lasted a second longer than the others. Charlotte blushed as she pushed him off, and quickly went into the kitchen.

“I’ll get started on the drinks! I’ve got a recipe for a delicious pineapple-vodka mix!”

Emma looked over at Paul to see if he’d noticed the tension, but he was already deep in conversation with Bill, going over some incident at work that day. They were both very relaxed and calm, and looked very comfortable around each other.

Emma smiled, and followed Charlotte into the kitchen, helping her with the drinks.

“So, Charlotte, you have pets, right? I think Paul mentioned something like that?” Emma tried to make conversation, hoping to get to know a bit more about Charlotte.

“Yeah! I have three cats, Buttercup, Cinnamon, and Froufrou.” Charlotte smiled fondly, “They’re my furry babies. Sam wants real kids, but I know he loves our kitties too. Hopefully this will occupy his fatherly instincts for a while!”

From what Emma had heard of Sam from Paul, she found it hard to imagine the guy had fatherly instincts at all, but she decided not to say that. “Do you not want kids?” She asked instead.

“Oh sure, someday. I guess I don’t have all the time in the world, my body’s not going to stay young forever, but I just don’t feel as though it’s right.” Charlotte caught herself, eyes going wide. “I mean, the right time!”

Emma smiled at Charlotte, but she understood what she really meant. However, she didn’t know if she could say anything. She barely knew Charlotte, so it didn’t seem right to impose on her marriage.

“Hey, if you’re not happy, you can leave.” Emma cursed herself for talking before thinking. “I mean, I’m sure you’re marriage is great! Uhm… Take care of yourself?”

Emma felt so awkward. Why was she saying this? Luckily, Charlotte changed the subject.

“You’re in college, right? I think it’s so incredible that you are! Tell me about your classes!”

The five of them spent the night laughing, telling stories and jokes. Ted had taken the position behind the grill, and Emma had to hand it to him: he was very skilled. Charlotte was a vegetarian, so Bill had made her a delicious pasta-salad.

The mood was light and sociable. At first, Emma liked how easy it was for her to fit in, but she soon realised how closely knit this group of friends was. They weren’t just friends, they were family. All the inside jokes, all the stories. Emma did not know how to do family.

She became a little quieter, laughed a little less. If any of the others noticed, they did not let her know. Actually, they probably didn’t notice. Her own family had never noticed when she was quiet. They’d just focus on…

No use thinking about that now, she’d been having so much fun before. Emma put a fake smile on her face, pretending to laugh at a joke Bill had just made. She saw Paul staring at her from the corner of her eye, but she decided not to look back. She didn’t know how she’d react.

It was already kind of late, and Emma had to work early the next day. Paul knew this, so he quietly excused himself and Emma. Charlotte, having had a little too much of her own drink, hugged Emma tightly.

Ted also came over for a hug, but seeing as he was drunk, Emma was a little afraid he’d do something weird. Uncharacteristically, Ted decided to just hug Emma quickly and didn’t do anything. Maybe the guy was less of a douche than Emma had thought.

Bill thanked Emma for coming, which made her smile. Was she wanted here? Or was Bill just being nice? Maybe Emma had only imposed upon their friend-group.

Paul put his arm around Emma when the walked to his car. “Did you have a nice night?” He asked, squeezing her shoulder in a friendly way.

“Yeah, your friends are really cool people.” Emma smiled, but Paul frowned.

“You kind of seemed a little off at the end, do you want to talk about it?”

Emma smiled a little more at his genuine question. Paul was a sweetheart. She was so lucky to have this man interested in her. But she didn’t want to tell him how she felt. It felt like she would be critiquing his family.

“It’s okay, just a little tired.” Paul seemed to relax a little, which made her feel fuzzy inside. “Hey, how about we go on that date this weekend?” She asked, wanting to let him know she cared as well.

 Paul’s eyes lit up, smiling brightly. “I would love that!”

They made plans on the ride back to her apartment, and before she knew it, they had arrived. Paul walked her to her door, and she had half a mind to invite him in, but it felt like that would send a wrong message.

Emma felt serious about him, but she didn’t want to rush anything. She could already feel herself let down some barriers, and that fucking scared her. But maybe, just maybe, Paul would be okay with what he would see.

Paul hugged her, the kind of hug that made you feel warm and supported. The kind of hug that stopped you from thinking about letting go. She pulled back a little, still in his arms. Would it be okay to kiss him? They were going to go on a date, so it’d be fine, right?

She didn’t allow herself to think anymore, just leaned forward slowly, glancing at Paul to see if he’d pull away. But Paul smiled softly, leaning forward as well. Their lips touched softly, she closed her eyes and put her hand in his short hair, running it through her fingers. He moved his hands to the small of her back, and everything felt like fireworks.

She opened her mouth a little, allowing him to slip in his tongue. She moved one of her arms to his waist, pulling him even closer. Emma wanted every part of her to be connected to Paul. She felt herself smiling through the kiss, feeling giddy.

This probably would’ve gone on for at least a few minutes longer, had it not been for the fact that Emma’s housemate decided to leave the house at that moment. The woman, Lila, looked taken aback at first, but then giggled.

“Well, now I know what you’ve been up to lately. Haven’t seen you around the house a lot these past weeks.” Lila smiled at Paul, “Nice to meet you, Emma’s boyfriend.”

Before either of them could refute that comment, Lila had walked to her car. Emma sighed, taking Paul’s hand. “That’s the second person to have identified us as a couple today.”

Paul laughed and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head softly. “In that guy’s defence, you did say I was your boyfriend.” Emma groaned, but found herself smiling at Paul.

She had been so sure that they had to take things slow, just this morning she had not even wanted to think about calling Paul anything but a friend! But they had kissed, and she had liked it. She couldn’t deny she had feelings for him, and although she needed time for those feelings to develop into something more, why would she wait for that?

“Hey Paul?” Emma squeezed his hand and kissed it, feeling a bit nervous. Paul might not feel the same way about this, but she felt like he wouldn’t judge her if that was so.

“Yeah?” Paul brushed a hair from her face, and Emma could see him staring at her lips.

“Maybe I would like to introduce you as my boyfriend more often… Would that be okay with you?” She said, ducking her head.

“Only if I can call you my girlfriend.” Paul smiled, kissing her again. “I’m so happy you asked.” He whispered against her lips. Emma pressed a few short kissed to his lips, standing on her toes to reach him more easily. She was grinning, she hadn’t felt this happy in months. Who was she kidding, she hadn’t felt happy in years.

“I’ve got a day off work this Saturday. I have to babysit my nieces, but we could grab dinner after?” Emma said. Paul smiled and nodded.

“You can come over to my apartment, I’ll cook you dinner. Oh, that reminds me! Bill was wondering if we would come over for dinner next week when Alice is with him. Would you be okay with that?”

Emma snorted, “We’ve been official for two minutes and I’m already invited to meet your best friend’s daughter? Dope.”

Paul laughed, softly hitting her shoulder. “Bill had an inkling we’d get together soon. Shoot, I have to text him!”

Emma smiled softly at Paul. Of course he would tell Bill about this immediately after it happened. Emma didn’t know Paul’s family situation, but she felt as though Bill was more like Paul’s brother than merely his best friend.

Emma and Paul continued kissing for a little while, but Emma managed to untangle herself from him, knowing full well that she had to be awake early that morning.

 

 

Meeting Alice was more fun than Emma expected. She was expecting a grumpy, sad, teenager, but Alice was only two of those things, and hid one of them carefully. Still, Emma was an expert at spotting troubling family relations. The flinching, the frowning, the unspoken agitation, she had seen it all.

Still, Emma could tell Alice still loved her father. She just wasn’t sure if the girl knew her father loved her back. Emma suspected that was what had let Alice to date Deb. Deb sounded just like Emma had been in high school; stoned and/or drunk all the time to forget about life, spending very little time in class, and way too much time in the bushes behind school.

Bill did his best to sound supportive, but it was obvious he did not approve of Deb. Still, he wasn’t a homophobe, which Emma had to give him credit for.

Emma and Paul hung out more and more. Emma stayed a diligent student and still took on too many shifts at work, but she spent most of her free time binging series with Paul or going on dates.

She was happy. Nora wasn’t on her ass as much anymore since she’d become reluctant friends with Zoey, and Emma kept getting compliments on her work from her professors. Still, her job made her quite unhappy. She was working so much, but still earned so little! She would love to have more time to do fun stuff, but she told herself to shut it and just keep working.

Emma hang out with just Charlotte, a few days after she and Paul had been together for a month.  Emma met Charlotte’s adorable cats and they baked gluten-free treats together. Eventually, Charlotte’s husband Sam came home, which led Emma to come up with an excuse to go home early.

The guy gave her the creeps, and Charlotte seemed afraid of him. Emma just hoped her friend was safe.

Friend. That was still an odd concept. Emma did genuinely see Paul’s friends as hers now, but it still felt like she was imposing. It didn’t help that Paul kept glorifying her, saying all these sweet things about her, when they were with friends or alone. She just couldn’t get used to it.

It was their three-month anniversary when Emma first told Paul she loved him. Emma had been in class for the entire morning, and had work after. Paul made her a lovely dinner to come home to, having been let in by Lila, Marie, and Polly, Emma’s housemates.

When Paul had brought out a ruined chocolate mousse, which he called ‘a failed result from three hours of kitchen-labour’, Emma had blurted “I love you, Paul.”

Paul hadn’t said it back right away. Rather, he had picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. A few hours later, they were both naked and he was kissing every part of her face. He had sent butterflies through her entire body, and had whispered those renowned words into her ear.

That week had been a particularly good one for Emma. But now, she had been asked to stay behind in Hidgens’ class, and her professor had asked her to take a seat across from his desk. James, who hadn’t talked to Emma since the incident with Paul, had grinned at her, thinking she was in trouble.

“Emma, I have a proposal for you.” Hidgens sorted through some papers on his desk, looking for something. “As you may know, I work in the College’s laboratory aside from teaching here. My boss has recently given me hell because I have been given money to hire four student-assistants.”

Emma looked up, surprised. She knew the professor worked in the lab, but whenever she’d gone over to ask a question, he had been in there alone.

Hidgens saw the look on her face and laughed, “I didn’t hire one. I have been using that money to pay for my Spotify account and my therapist.”

He found the paper he’d been looking for and handed it to her. “I do have to take on at least one now, as the college found out how I was spending the money. I was wondering if you’d be interested in the position.”

Emma looked at the sum on the paper, it was at least three times more than what she earned at her current job! When she voiced this, Hidgens shrugged. “I am not allowed to keep the money, and since I technically don’t need the assistance, I’d rather hire one person and pay them very well.”

Emma felt honoured, but when she looked at the paper again, she realised the hours were inevitably going to clash with her shifts at Beanie’s.

“Can I think about it for a few days?” Emma asked, handing the paper back.

“Of course!” Hidgens said, “I will send you the information through e-mail. I do hope you decide to take this opportunity; it would look really good on your cv! Plus,” Hidgens looked a little embarrassed, “I do not think I could tolerate being around most of your classmates for a minute after class ends.”

Emma smiled; she liked that Hidgens felt comfortable around her. He was a bit of a father figure to her. Her own father had passed away years ago. She didn’t miss him, but it was nice having someone like Hidgens in her life. He was interested in her life, in a relaxed manner, but still enough to make her feel like he actually cared.

It was weird, because he was her professor, but Emma kind of saw Hidgens as like a peculiar uncle she had only met as an adult.

Emma told Paul about the offer when they were hanging out later that day. She was supposed to be studying, but she hadn’t been able to resist his offer to hang out, so she’d asked him over.

“That is amazing!” Paul looked at the figures she’d be making. “Damn, that is a lot of money! You could lower your student loans even more and have more free time left as well!”

Emma pursed her lips, thinking it through. The only reason she could think of to not do this, was that she felt a little weird about spending even more time with Father-Figure-Hidgens. It was a truth universally acknowledged that she did not do family. She didn’t believe she knew how.

But perhaps working with Hidgens would be merely professional. Maybe Hidgens harboured no fatherly feelings for Emma, which would only be normal.

And even if he did see her as family, there was no reason not to do this. Maybe she would finally know how it feels to have a family that cared…

“I’ll let professor Hidgens know I’ll take the job.” Emma said, feeling giddy suddenly. She was so glad she was finally going to leave this shithole. “You hear that Zoey?” Emma yelled at her co-worker. “I quit! Woooooh!”

Paul laughed loudly, and Zoey ran over. “What the fuck, Emma? You’re leaving me here?” Of course Zoey would find that a problem, and not the fact Emma was yelling in the shop during opening hours.

“Hell yeah!” Emma said, pumping her fist in the air. And elderly man shushed her, and Hot Chocolate Boy frowned angrily at her.

Paul just laughed louder, holding his tummy. “Thank God! I can finally go to Starbucks and get some decent fucking coffee!”

Nora came running over from the back. “Guys?! Stop yelling!” She yelled.

Emma just giggled, feeling so happy. Zoey grinned at her and hugged her.

“I’m glad you’re going to do something better. I hope they’re worthy of you!” She frowned at Emma, “But you do have to promise you’ll text me.”

Emma promised solemnly, and then continued to handle her contract with Nora. She could leave in four weeks, and Nora would try to schedule her for less shifts, so she could already start with Hidgens in two weeks.

Paul smiled brightly at Emma, and it melt her heart. She felt herself smiling so much, her cheeks hurt.

 

Whatever Emma had been expecting from her work with Hidgens, this was not it. She’d been here a month, but she still couldn’t believe her luck. The atmosphere in the lab was completely relaxed. When she said lab, she meant greenhouse. There was an area with microscopes and such, but most of the room was dedicated to growing plants.

Emma and Hidgens would usually work in comfortable silence, but every now and then they’d share a thought, or a story.

After a few days, Hidgens asked if she was okay with him putting so music on. She agreed heartily, but was surprised when the professor put on a musical.

“Isn’t this called Heathers? Is this the kind of music you listen to professor Hidgens?” Emma laughed, having not expected this at all.

“Yes, Emma. Musical theatre is my one true passion.” Hidgens smiled, nodding his head along to the beat. “And please, call me Henry. There is no need for formality outside the classroom.”

“Sure thing, professor Hidgens!” Emma said, just to annoy him a little.

Paul loved that Emma was working less, as it gave them more time to be together (although it annoyed him A LOT that Emma was now singing showtunes all the time). He also insisted she come with him to hang out with his friends more often.

Emma still felt insecure about that. She was seeing more and more from them, she even met up with their boss’ assistant Melissa, who she only found slightly irritating. She also got to hang out with Alice a bit more, when she and Paul attended a play Alice was in. Bill had been stuck in traffic, and send Emma a hundred texts asking her to come instead.

Emma noticed more than Paul did. She saw Charlotte grow unhappier, saw her lean more toward Ted when they sat next to each other. She saw Bill frown at the clock whenever Alice wouldn’t text him back. Emma saw Ted drink more, and more often.

She saw all of this, and couldn’t help but wonder if it had something to do with her. Paul didn’t seem to notice, but all of this had started to happen around the time she had ‘joined’ their little family. Only Paul seemed happier with her presence, but for how long?

One night, the group had gotten together to have drinks at Ted’s place. Emma could tell he’d cleaned up for them, but she still saw empty bottles and a shit-ton of take out menus in Ted’s bedroom, when she went to the bathroom.

She meant to only glance into the room, but she noticed something on the bed. Walking over, she saw it was a pink sweater with a fluffy cat on it. Something she could see Charlotte wear. Why was this on Ted’s bed?

She picked it up, realising there was something underneath. A pink bra. A pair of panties. Why were Charlotte’s clothes on Ted’s bed?

Emma’s eyes went wide with realisation, hating herself for having entered the room. She quickly left, closing the door so no one else would see.

She went back into the living room, quickly sitting down next to Paul, who handed her a glass of wine.

“Time for a toast!” Paul called, Ted nodding vigorously next to him.

“You! You tell ‘em Paul!” Ted slurred, putting an arm around his friend. How many glasses had Ted had? Emma had lost count. She was an idiot, she should’ve been watching him.

She didn’t want to upset anyone, so she took the glass and smiled.

“To our little family!” Paul started, receiving a “Hear, hear!” from Ted, who was clinging to him.

“Shut up dingus, I’m not done yet!” Paul laughed loudly, pushing Ted off him. “And also to Emma!”

Emma’s eyes went wide, and her heartbeat increased. She felt hot, so she pushed up the sleeves of her sweater.

“Thank you for honouring us with your presence, Emmie!” Ted giggled. Charlotte laughed and raised her glass. Were they joking? Emma wasn’t sure.

“Don’t be an ass, Ted, I’m trying to be serious. Emma, thank you for being so sweet!” Paul said.

“Thank you for being the only one who can make a proper desert!” Bill chimed in, gaining applause from Ted, who looked as though he might fall over at any moment.

“Okay guys, I got it, you can stop now.” Emma whispered, breathing harder.

“No no nono!” Ted slurred, putting one hand up. “There’s more to say!” He burped.

“Gross. But Emma, seriously!” Paul said, way too drunk to be serious. Emma started to feel like the walls were closing in on her. Or was Ted’s living room just tiny?

“You’re so gorgeous! And nice! And you always kind of smell like lavender, which is weird but I love it!” Paul continued.

Emma tried to swallow, but she felt dizzy and she didn’t quite feel as though she could do anything but sit there in utter silence.

“Emma? Are you okay?” Bill asked. He was the only one of the guys who wasn’t absolutely drunk, which was probably why he had enough common sense to notice something was wrong, really wrong.

Paul was just being nice, Emma told herself. He meant what he was saying, right? This wasn’t a joke?

“OH! And I’m really proud of you because you are doing so well in your new job! That’s great!”

Ted found that hilarious for some reason. He was laughing so hard that for a moment, that was all Emma could focus on. Ted’s laugh and Bill’s concerned look and Charlotte was tapping on her wineglass absentmindedly, watching Ted laughing. Everything was too loud. Everything was too _present_.

“Paul…” Emma said, trying to get him to stop.

Paul did not notice her distress, he just continued summing up things he liked about her. Ted made gagging noises, but obviously thought it was sweet.

Charlotte started looking at her, too, now. She made no effort to help. Instead, she alternated looking between Emma and Paul, seemingly unable to move. She looked scared, and flinched when Paul suddenly put his hand on Emma’s arm.

“Emma…”

Emma stood up, putting her glass on the table. “Stop!” She yelled, to Paul’s surprise. She felt a burning anxiety in her chest, and looked with fear at the faces around her. They must think she’s crazy!

Wait, was she? She’d never felt like this before. Her heart was pounding, her breathing so fast she felt like that was all she could do. She stormed outside and ran down the street. She just kept running, giving her body a way to use the blood that was running through her veins like a train down a track.

She noticed an empty playground, dark even in the moonlight. She dove into a tunnel, pressing her body against the cold metal. She focussed on her breathing, but it was still going so fast and she didn’t know how to slow it down.

After a few moments she could hear voices calling her name. They passed the playground and faded out. She felt so stupid, why had she snapped? She could never go back there.

She had left her coat at Ted’s, but her phone was in the pocket of her jeans. She took it out and shakily unlocked the screen. She went through her contacts, picking the first person that came to mind in that moment.

The phone rang, it kept ringing. Just as Emma thought she wasn’t going to get an answer, a voice came through her speaker.

“Emma?”

 

By the time Richard came to pick her up, Emma had calmed down a little. She had noticed tears on her face, which was odd because she didn’t realise she’d been crying. She must’ve looked so ridiculous, hiding in a little playground tunnel, freezing to the bone, completely dishevelled.

But Richard said nothing, just pulled her into a hug and held her until Emma completely stopped shaking. He kept talking to her calmly, but it took a while before she heard him.

“It’s okay, you’ll be fine in a while. The worst is over.”

She pulled back and wiped her face.

“Thank you for coming. Are your girls okay?” Emma felt guilty for making him leave them.

“They’re fine, the neighbour is watching them for me. Come on, let’s get you home.” Richard led her to his car, which is when Emma noticed he was still in pyjamas. It was only hitting her now that he’d sounded sleepy when she had called.

“Sorry…” She mumbled, but he just shook his head, helping her in the passenger’s seat.

“Don’t say sorry, it’s honestly fine.” Richard got into the car, too. He didn’t start the car yet, instead making sure Emma was okay. “Em, has this happened before?”

“Has what happened?” Emma said, knitting her eyebrows together.

“The anxiety attack you just had.” Richard said casually, finally starting the car. He looked over before he drove off and sighed, “I guess that’s a no. Your sister had them too, you know. I heard you can have genetic aptitude for it.”

Emma had heard of anxiety attacks before, she was aware of the general symptoms, but she had not noticed that was what had happened to her. It had just felt as though she was dying.

And Jane? Emma felt a sharp pain in her chest when thinking of her sister. She didn’t know if she had it in her to talk about her, so she just looked at Richard confusedly.

“It was when she was in law school. She has always been insecure, but the extreme stress she was under… She had them two or three times a week at some point. She went to a therapist, hadn’t had them in years when she… You know.” Died.

Richard wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. He suddenly looked much younger than he was. He looked tired, scared.

Emma felt angry, suddenly. Jane shouldn’t have had to feel like that. Emma was the screw-up of the family, she deserved all the pain. Not her sister, her perfect sister.

“Did mom know?” Emma asked with a hoarse voice.

Richard let out a joyless laugh. “Hell no. Sarah would’ve just told her to grow up. No, Jane never told anyone but me. But I’m going to tell the girls when they’re old enough. They should know they can come to me if something like that happens to them.”

He looked over at her and smiled. “That holds for you, too. Thank you for calling me. Please know you can always come to me, we’re family.”

Emma started crying again when he said that last word. She didn’t have a family.

Richard just let her be, staying quiet for the rest of the ride. He made sure she got inside okay. They had to wake up Marie, as Emma’s keys had been in the pocket of her jacket. Richard said goodbye to her with a hug, and Emma thanked him profoundly.

She immediately got into her bed, without taking of her clothes. She checked her phone to see she had texts and missed calls from all of Paul’s friends. They were all apologising. Paul had called her eight times and had left a voicemail. Emma didn’t listen to it.

 

It had been over two weeks since Emma had left Ted’s house in a frenzy. Sixteen days, to be exact. She hadn’t talked to anyone at first, only shot Charlotte a quick text to say she was okay. Of course, she didn’t mean okay. She meant alive.

It had been fourteen days since she had found her jacket and her keys on the kitchen table. Polly and Lila had said that Paul had come by and asked for her. He’d left a note. Emma didn’t read it, she wasn’t ready to face what she’d done.

She’d burnt it with the lavender candle she had in her room. She threw the candle out immediately after.

It had been ten days since Bill texted her to tell her Ted had drunk himself into a coma. He mentioned Charlotte and Ted had been fighting before it happened. Ted would be okay, Bill said. They’d pumped his stomach empty. They’d take him to a rehab once he woke up.

It had been nine days since Emma had texted back that she was glad Ted was okay, but that she didn’t want Bill to text her. Better for him to think she hated them than to have to explain she couldn’t be a part of their family.

It had been three days since Paul left his last voicemail. ‘Have we broken up? I’m sorry I hurt you. Emma, I don’t understand. Emma, please. I don’t… I’m sorry.’ He must hate her. She hated herself.

Emma went through the motions of life, ignoring everyone who tried to have more than a simple conversation with her. Hidgens asked if she was still seeing her therapist. She shook her head and let him book her a new appointment.

Right now, Emma was pretending to be totally okay, watching Julia and Grace. Richard had taken baby Ellie to the doctor for a check-up, and wouldn’t be back for another hour or so.

Julia and Grace were arguing over who got to be which Disney princess. This argument was as eloquent as any six and four year old had ever had.

Emma was glad for the distraction, which is what she had told Richard when he had approached her with the question. It kept her from checking her phone every three minutes to see if Paul had texted her. Not that she’d talked to him since Ted’s.

Thinking about Paul made her check her phone again, just in case. She had a text, but it wasn’t from Paul. It was from Alice.

‘Paul looks miserable’ it read. Emma choked back a sob, looking if her nieces had noticed. The girls were now re-enacting Frozen, dressed as Merida and Cinderella. Emma wondered why Alice had sent that text, what she wanted to reach with it. A ping sounded, another text.

‘Hope you’re ok.’

Emma smiled softly. Alice was a sweetheart, deep underneath all those teenage emotions. Emma sent back a quick text saying she was fine, but she knew the girl would be too smart to believe it.

She kind of felt like a big sister to Alice. Weird, she’d never been the big sister. She’d always been the younger one, the one that couldn’t do anything right. Emma suddenly felt dizzy, remembering a conversation from over a year ago.

~

“Emma?” Jane’s voice sounded worried, scared.

“Yeah, it’s me. Hi.” Emma said, making sure the door of the phonebooth was closed. She did not want these pubgoers to hear her talk to her sister. This was sure to get emotional, as it always did when Emma bothered to take Jane up on her offers to call.

“Thank God! I was so worried! You haven’t responded to my letters! You should really get a cell phone. I’m always afraid I have the wrong phonebooth, or that you’ve forgotten. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if you’re still in the same city as last time!”

“Sorry.” Emma said, not even convincing herself. “Post just takes a really long time to deliver.” Especially if you haven’t actually sent anything. Emma pressed her fingers against the cold metal of the booth. “I don’t really need a cell phone, though.”

“Yeah, of course you don’t.” Jane sighed. “Listen, Emmie, we really need to talk.”

“I figured. What did I do this time? Has mom been on your ass because I haven’t sent her letters either?” Emma didn’t want to talk to Jane like this, but she was just tired of fighting. She was tired of a lot of things, actually.

“Don’t talk about mom like that. And it isn’t about what you have or haven’t done. I mean it is, but…”

“What?” Emma said, trying not to sound scared. Were here actions finally about to catch up with her?

“Emma, these past few years, you’ve been even more distant than you were as a teenager. You don’t call, don’t write, and when you do you barely tell us what you’ve been up to! For all I know you’re –“

“Yeah, well, you don’t know. So, stop bugging me about what I’m doing here.” Because Emma didn’t even know herself. The people in the pub were looking at her funny. She drowned them out by focussing on the words scratched into the booth.

“Emma! Stop acting like this! Why do you always push me away? What have I ever done to you?” Jane’s voice got higher, as it always did when she was about to cry.

“You were…” Perfect. Emma stopped. She didn’t have the heart to tell her sister about all of her insecurities. Partially because she wanted to spare Jane the pain, partially because she was too scared.

“Emma, you have been so absent in the past years, I feel like I don’t even know you! You’re harsh, bitter, and so detached… You’re not the same person you were when we were kids!”

“You don’t have to keep reminding me! I know I’m an asshole, all right?” Emma yelled, not thinking anymore. The people in the pub were looking at her like she was a madman. She felt like a monster, but at least their looks confirmed the way she felt about herself.

“Well, apparently I do need to remind you! Because you don’t fucking learn! Why can’t you be here for your family? What is so important about Guatemala, that you don’t come to the birth of your nieces? Or to my wedding? When dad had that heart attack, and you didn’t show up to his funeral? Fuck!”

Jane breathed in shakily, taking a moment to collect herself.

“You are a screw-up. You never work for anything, and God knows you never will! You are my only sister, hell, my only family apart from mom! You have hurt me so much. Richard and I, we wanted you in our lives, in our kids’ lives! But you haven’t been home in years. So, I’m not sure I want you here anymore.” Jane’s voice broke a little, forcing out the last sentence.

Emma pressed her eyes shut, taking in her sister’s words. It hurt more than anything to have the _one_ person she cared about say this to her. But Jane was right. Emma had fucked up. There was no coming back from this, because she hadn’t bothered to come back. It had been nearly seven years. Damn.

“But even after all this, I still don’t hate you.” Jane’s voice sounded quiet but angry, bitter.

Emma took a sharp breath, pressing the receiver to her ear. “You’re just saying that.”

“No. God, I wish I was. But, no.” A miserable sigh.

Emma did not know how to respond to that. So, she didn’t. After a minute or so, she heard a soft “Fuck.”, after which the phone call ended. She had really fucked up this time.

~

“Auntie Emma?” Julia’s voice made Emma snap back into reality. The six year old was standing in front of her, holding up a doll with it’s head snapped off. “Can you fix this for us?”

Emma smiled and took the doll, mounting the head back on, hoping it would stay there. “How did you two do this?” She said, holding the doll upside down, to test if she had popped the head on correctly.

Julia went into a long explanation of the politics in Arendelle, and how they had let to the murder of a girl who lived with Tarzan in the jungle. Emma tried to pay attention, but she kept getting distracted.

Julia had been five when her mother died. No matter how happy Julia’s life could become, she’d always carry that with her. It seemed wrong that Jane had died, not Emma.

After Emma had fixed a snack for her nieces, she opened her messages on her phone. Scrolling down, past all the messages of the last few weeks, she eventually got to her sister. She didn’t have to scroll long, which made her realise she hadn’t talked to a lot of people in the past few years.

The messages were old, from a few years back. This was before Emma had left her phone in a small storage unit in Guatemala, and had told her family through letters that it had broken.

She wasn’t sure why she’d done that. She’d justified herself with thinking it would be ‘detoxing’. Mostly she couldn’t deal with the texts Jane would send her.

‘I love you, Emmie’ ‘Please text me back’ ‘Little Jules asked about you today, I told her you were off on adventures, you’re her hero now’ ‘Dad’s funeral was beautifully sad, mom is ok’

If Emma bothered to reply, it was usually no more than three words. ‘That’s nice’ ‘Tell her hi’ ‘Maybe tomorrow’

God how had she been so awful these past years? How could she have done that to her lovely sister? No wonder Paul wanted to break up… Emma looked at her nieces, who were having a fruit mix. They were giggling at some sort of joke that no adult would find funny, but it made Emma smile.

Looking at them, Emma was reminded of herself and Jane when they were little. They had their fruit snack at 10 a.m. exactly every day. They weren’t supposed to take longer than fifteen minutes. Then Jane had to practice the piano, and Emma, too young still to play an instrument, would be told to entertain herself upstairs.

Every minute of their lives had been planned out. Emma had hated it. As a teenager, she would disrupt that system as much as she could, to Jane’s chagrin. “Can’t you just do as mum asks?” Jane would say, whenever Emma stayed out too late again. They hadn’t been little girls sharing fruit anymore.

But something in Emma told her that Julia and Grace wouldn’t end up like that. Richard would nurture their relationship, encourage friendship, instead of encouraging them to compete.

When two siblings compete as young children, the eldest will always win. Especially if the children are a few years apart. Emma hadn’t understood that as a child, hadn’t understood why her inability to play three instruments made her unlovable.

Emma would help Julia, Grace, and Ellie stay friends. She would help them apologise, help them see how lovely and unique they _each_ were.

She smiled as Julia swapped her pieces of apple with Grace’s chopped banana, each getting their favourite. Emma would make sure they always stayed like this, or at least as long as possible.

 

A month after Emma and Paul’s ‘break-up’ over voicemail, Emma was sitting in her favourite bar in Hatchetfield. This one was her favourite not because of any valid reason, but because this may have been the only one she’d never visited with Paul.

She sat at the table by the window, glaring at anyone who seemed as though they’d talk to her. Her therapist had warned her not to resort to alcohol, but tonight Emma just craved the pleasant buzz. She was on her second martini, but she didn’t feel numb yet. Maybe a third.

A person suddenly sat opposite of her. Emma immediately put up her death glare, but was surprised to find Ted sitting there. He was a little thin, but he otherwise looked fine.

“Ted? What are you doing in a bar?” Emma exclaimed.

Ted shook his head, looking puzzled. “I was walking past, on my way to a friend, when I saw you. Drinking alone, huh? Not the best strategy, I can tell you.”

“Well, I’m not drinking with you! Bill told me what happened!” Emma frowned, “As a matter of fact, I’m not talking with you in a bar! You shouldn’t be here.”

Ted nodded, standing up. He got out his wallet and threw some money on the table. More than enough to pay for her drinks. “Let’s talk outside then.”

Emma reluctantly got up, putting on her jacket and making sure her phone and wallet were inside. She followed Ted over to a bench, sitting down next to him.

“Have you been okay? You don’t look okay.” Ted said. Emma didn’t remember him like this, like someone who actually cared about people, instead of only caring about drinks and stupid jokes.

“I’m fine.”

“Then why aren’t you talking to Paul. Hell, fuck Paul! Why aren’t you talking to me, or Bill, or Charlotte?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you anymore.” Emma mumbled.

Ted frowned, opening his mouth to protest, but Emma continued. “It’s better this way.”

“I doubt that.” Ted sighed, and carefully put his hand on Emma’s arm. “You’re our friend, too, Emma. Paul and you are both so unhappy right now… I’m not telling you to get back together with him, because you’re right, what Paul and I did was wrong, and we’re both sorry. But please let us in, we want to help you.”

Emma felt tears burning in her ears so she shook her head, rubbing her legs. “It’s not what you did. It’s how I reacted to it. I can’t do family, Ted.” She stood up, getting her phone out to see when the next bus to her house would go.

Ted stood up as well. “Everyone can do family if it’s the right one. And even if we’re not the right one for you, we can still be your friends. We’re friends no matter what.”

“Oh, really? Are you and Charlotte still friends after you had sex?” As soon as she’d said it, Emma started to apologise, but Ted held up his hand.

“I’m not sure how you knew, but yeah. Charlotte and I are still friends, but she’s back with Sam. She wants to be a good wife to him.”

Emma nodded, realising she had a few minutes before her bus would come, so she sat back down.

“It fucking sucks that the only person I’ve ever really loved is a married woman devoted to her husband. But I don’t regret what I had with her, and I certainly don’t regret still being friends with her. She is supporting me to let go of alcohol, to stay sober. Without her, I would be somewhere in a ditch, without a life, without a care.”

Ted ran his hands through his hair, staring at the bar Emma had just vacated.

“I’m so fucking grateful for Charlotte’s presence in my life. I thought that because of how much she meant to me, it was only logical for us to get together. I saw the way Sam treated her, and I knew that she deserved better.”

Ted sighed, tapping his fingers on his leg. “The truth is, I’m not sure I am better than Sam. He abuses her, physically, but I hurt her in other ways. I know now that I have to do everything I can to become a better person. And that includes not expecting her to choose me.”

Emma realised Ted did really love Charlotte. He was willing to be nothing more than friends, whilst still working on himself.

“Do you think you have a chance with her?”

“I don’t want to think about that, at least not yet. My primary goal is making sure she is happy, even though it might not be with me.”

Emma looked him over, for someone so strong, he was so thin… He nearly died because he refused to face his problems.

She wasn’t even sure if she would’ve come to his funeral. God knows _she_ wasn’t facing her problems. Suddenly Emma remembered when she came back to Hatchetfield for her sister’s funeral, over a year ago.

~

Emma arrived back in Hatchetfield after seven years. It was darker than she remembered, or maybe that was just her general mood. Growing up here, she had never been happy. Hell, she had left this town at the age of twenty-one, in search of a place where she could be happy. She still hadn’t found it.

She refused to stay at her mom’s place, the memories would only haunt her. Richard invited her to stay with him and the kids, but she barely knew the guy. So, she stayed in a crappy hotel, but managed to get herself to visit her mom.

She supposed she wasn’t really welcome. She figured they only allowed her presence because they thought Jane would have wanted her here. It seems like no one knew about Jane calling Emma a month ago, not even Richard. Emma wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

Emma met her nieces, Julia, Grace, and Ellie. They were cute, Emma supposed. Julia, the eldest, was the only one who really understood what was going on. She was five, two years older than Grace. Little Ellie was only a few months old.

Emma remembered Jane’s call to invite her to the baby shower. They hadn’t even fought when Emma said maybe; they both knew she wouldn’t show up.

Emma was holding Ellie when Jane’s casket was lowered into the ground. It felt wrong, like Emma should’ve been in the casket. Like Emma wasn’t supposed to be holding Jane’s daughter. It felt like she was intruding on someone else’s life.

After the funeral, her mom invited the family and some close friends to dinner. There was a speech, from both Mom and Richard. Droning on and on about Jane’s accomplishments as a lawyer. Her gift of being an amazing mother. Her ability to make any musical instrument sound good. She was a miracle, but now she was gone.

And Emma remained.

Emma’s mom, Sarah, ended her speech by saying “I knew that Jane’s biggest wish came true at last. To have her little sister Emma sitting at this table with us.” Emma stood up, tears in her eyes, and hugged her mother tight. She still sort of loved her mom, even though she had never truly felt the feeling returned.

Something about her mom’s words touched her. Some part of her, which had long been asleep, opened an eye. Jane had wanted her here, Emma had already known that. And now she was here. Then what?

She could go back to backpacking, chasing fleeting moments of empty happiness, but she knew that was not how it worked. She’d known that for years but had not wanted to face it. If she really wanted to be happy, what better place to start than right here? This was the only ‘home’ she had ever known.

She should go to college. She’d never thought of it before, because that was what Jane would do. Emma never did what Jane would do. But going to college felt like a purpose. She had never really had that before.

She told Richard, about her thoughts, having no one else to share this with. He smiled broadly at her, tears in his eyes.

“Jane would be so proud of you, Emma.”

~

Emma told Ted about her sister. Fuck missing her bus, another one would come in half an hour. She needed to share this with someone.

Ted pulled her into a hug. He held her tight, letting her sob into his shoulder. He rubbed her back, pressing her against him. She felt comforted, but that felt wrong. She pulled away quickly, tears streaming down her face.

“I don’t deserve this. I’m a monster. I’m disgusting.” She whispered, not sure if he’d heard.

“Emma?” Ted said, concerned. He slowly reached out his hand, as if she were a frightened animal. She certainly flinched back like one.

“I don’t deserve this!” Emma said, a little louder this time. Why did she think she deserved to be comforted, she didn’t deserve shit! She walked away quickly, but Ted didn’t follow her. He’d probably given up on her, which was all the better. She had to leave.

She wouldn’t find happiness here, she’d tried and look what happened! Happiness didn’t exist for her in Hatchetfield. Happiness probably didn’t exist for her at all. She should leave. Tomorrow. She would leave tomorrow.

She’d go back to Guatemala, see if she could pick up where she left off there. She could probably still work at that place she worked before. Or maybe she could volunteer again. She went over her options, feeling a little more calm.

Emma had returned home that night, taking a quick shower and hopping into bed immediately. She didn’t have class the next day, but she’d promised professor Hidgens she’d come in at noon to repot some of the tomatoes they were experimenting on.

She didn’t want to think, so she put music on to help her fall asleep. It took her two Beyoncé albums to get to that point, and even then she could not help realising that she should’ve shown Ted some support.

As her eyes were falling close, Emma managed to unlock her phone and send a message to Ted. ‘Proud of you dude’. She hoped he’d understand how deeply she meant those words.

She woke up the next day to her alarm blearing in her ears. She needed to do some grocery shopping before she got to Hidgens, and she wanted to read up on the notes Hidgens had given her on botany, hoping that she wouldn’t accidently mess up his research.

She arrived to the greenhouse just in time, holding a coffee (Starbucks, not Beanies). She hadn’t thought about it a lot yet, but she knew she would have to tell Hidgens about her plans to go back to Guatemala at some point. He needed time to find a new assistant.

They had been working in comfortable silence for a few hours now, when Hidgens suggested they take a break.

“Let’s get some more coffee, you look like you need to talk about something.” The professor left the room with his wallet before Emma could ask what he meant. Had her face been so revealing?

Usually she could keep her emotions in check quite well. Then again, this was quite a life altering decision she had to make.

Hidgens came back in, holding two cups of coffee from the shitty machine in the cafeteria. Emma was about the decline, when Hidgens took out a tiny bottle of rum from his bag.

“Don’t tell anyone, but I sometimes drink during work hours.” He grinned, pouring a little into each cup.

Emma smiled despite herself, taking a sip. She didn’t want to rely on any ‘liquid confidence’, but she had to admit it didn’t hurt right now.

“I have to tell you something, professor.” She started, but she didn’t know how to continue.

Hidgens seemed to notice, so he took a seat opposite her and smiled. “It’s okay if it’s something personal you have to share, I feel like we’re kind of past that.”

Emma huffed, having to agree. Although she had refrained from telling Hidgens any exact details, what with him being her professor, he was quite aware of her issues in life, and she of his.

“You know I ended up here after my sister died. I left Guatemala, and decided to stay here and go to college. Now I think it’s time for me to go back.”

Hidgens didn’t say anything at first, just swirled his coffee in his cup without drinking from it. After a minute, just as Emma started to feel really uncomfortable, he spoke.

“Emma, I understand that there is something in your life that has gone wrong, recently, am I right?” When she’d nodded, he continued. “I am quite sure you are running away from that. I cannot stop you, thus I will not tell you not to go. However…”

Hidgens tapped his finger against the paper cup. He frowned, searching for words.

“Whatever you are looking for, whatever you are trying to find; you will not find it in Guatemala. You know just as well as I do that there is no replacing the psychological with the physical. I am away it is tempting, as the physical seems so much easier to fix.”

Hidgens put his cup down and walked over to his plants. “These plants need to grow. They are not sentient, like us, they don’t know anything, all they do is grow. However, sometimes they don’t.”

Hidgens pointed at the mutated plants they’d been inspecting minutes ago. Some of them were the wrong colour, a few grew mutated tomatoes, some didn’t grow tomatoes at all.

“These plants have problems. If we look closer, we will find a problem in their roots, or in their DNA. They have to live with this problem, because unlike you, they do not have the ability to run away.”

Hidgens picked up a plant that was definitely too small, but still produced perfect tomatoes. “Let’s say this is you. We do not give up on this plant. And we definitely do not throw the plant out just like that.” He gave Emma a pointed stare.

“You are still capable of living a full, happy life. But you do need to check your roots. If you can find the problem, you can change it.”

Emma thought about that for a moment. “But even if we know the cause of the plant’s problem, it will still not grow perfectly. We can’t change that.”

Hidgens sighed, “Yes, well… I am a biologist, not a writer. It’s a metaphor. You’re not a fucking plant, Emma. You _can_ change your problems.”

Emma snorted, staring at the little plant as Hidgens took his seat across from her again and took a sip of his coffee. “Care to tell me what problem lies at your roots?”

Emma nodded, and started to explain everything. Her relationship with Jane, how she’d always been less than her. Her belief that she would never fit in with a family. Her tension to run away from every problem, try to find a better life elsewhere. How she missed Jane, how she wished they’d been closer.

Hidgens listened closely, tapping his fingers on his leg absentmindedly. He frowned and nodded, but made no other comment. Finally, when she’d finished talking, he spoke.

“You seem to have a lot of love left for someone who let your parents hurt you and never did anything for you.” Hidgens drained the remains of his coffee, and cocked an eyebrow at her. “Or was your sister not as bad as your parents after all?”

Emma frowned, trying to remember the good moments she’d had with Jane, all the reasons why she had lover her sister so much. Multiple things came to mind, baking cookies as little girls, Jane defending her from bullies, cuddling up together whenever they were allowed to sleep in the same room.

But there was one moment that came to mind, that stood out more than the others. It showed Emma how Jane had sometimes quietly rebelled against their parents’ rules and behaviour. She hadn’t thought of it in years, but now she remembered.

~

Emma was fifteen, and in her first musical. She was going to play Bonnie Jean in her high school’s production of Brigadoon. She hadn’t told her parents until two nights ago. She was afraid they’d disapprove, and she had been right. Her mom threw a hissy fit.

“Unacceptable! I’ve been trying to get you to do after-school activities for years! And you choose _theatre_? Why can’t you do something like debate, or maths, or science! Like your sister!”

Emma had felt so betrayed. She hadn’t shared things about her life with her family in years. Sitting there at the dinner table, she clenched her fists. Jane was looking at her weird. Her dad was reading the paper. Emma’s breathing quickened, but she paid it no heed.

“Yeah, well… Whether you decide to come or not, there will be two tickets for you at the front office.” She had stormed out of the house.

Now, she peered into the audience from the wings. She couldn’t really see anything, but she really hoped her parents had come. She was finally doing something with her life, why weren’t they proud of her?

Their drama teacher walked past her and grinned. “Emma, I know you’re excited, but please, get backstage. The audience can’t see you in your costume yet!”

Emma grinned and stuck out her tongue. She loved Mrs. Davidson, which was rare because Emma hated most of her teachers. “Have my tickets been picked up?” She asked, as she walked backstage with her teacher.

“Let’s see.” Mrs. Davidson checked her list. “They have!”

Emma smiled brightly, her parents had come! Maybe her dad did not think theatre was stupid, and had convinced her mom. Her dad had always been very quiet, so Emma really had no idea what he thought of anything.

Before she knew it, she was on. She poured every last emotion into her performance, she fed off the boy who played her fiancée. This boy, Ted, was an annoying douche, but he did know how to act. His Scottish accent was better than hers.

Emma had a genuine smile on her face during the curtain call. She had fucking killed it! The girl who played Fiona, a skinny, popular girl named Melissa, hugged her after they left the stage.

They were bound to forget about each other’s existence in a few months or years, but for now, the entire cast were best friends. Emma had never felt so included.

She went out into the audience with the rest of the cast. She watched Ted receive flowers from four different girls. Douchebag. Melissa got chocolates from her boyfriend. The drummer received a whole bouquet from his parents. But where were Emma’s parents?

Suddenly she felt a tap on her shoulder. Standing there, holding a red rose, was Jane. Jane and her boyfriend Richard.

“Hey Emmie! You were amazing!” Jane surged forward to hug her, which gave her an excuse to hide her face. Her parents had bailed. Typical.

“Where’s mom and dad?” Emma asked after pulling back, sniffing the flower as she took it from Jane. Richard’s face fell, and Jane bit her lip.

“They were busy, I’m sorry. I hope it’s okay that Richard and I took their tickets instead?”

Emma looked up at her sister’s face, her own face really. When they were younger, people had jokingly called them twins. No one would do that now, now that their clothing styles had changed so much. But still, they looked very similar.

“Yeah, thanks for coming.” Emma said, her voice as quiet as she felt tiny. Jane hugged her again, rubbing Emma’s back.

“That’s what family is for.” She took a step back and pressed a kiss to Emma’s cheek. “I can’t believe you’re such a great actress!”

Emma giggled, hitting Jane with her flower. “I’m not, you gremlin.”

Richard gave her a side hug, “Sure you are! If I didn’t know better I’d say you’ve been doing theatre your whole life!”

“You’re just being nice!”

Jane and Richard took Emma out for ice cream. They laughed and joked, like they used to do when they were younger. Emma hadn’t felt close to Jane in years, too busy resenting her for being perfect. And Emma would go back to resenting her tomorrow, but tonight they could be sisters. Friends.

Later that night, Emma would take the flower and press it between a fairy-tale book. She’d dry it, wanting to use it as a reminder that Jane was not like her parents. She planned to take it out in two weeks.   
But just like that night itself, Emma would forget.

~

“Maybe you’re right.” Emma said, trying very hard not to cry in front of her professor.

“Of course I am, I didn’t go to university for ten years to be a dumbass.”

Emma smiled and then bit her lip, trying to make sense of her thoughts. “So yeah, maybe my sister loved me. What does that change? I still had a crappy childhood and a crappy family. How can that teach me to be a part of a family or group again?”

Hidgens shifted in his seat, “Well… Let me tell you something about my life. First of all, I’m gay.”

Hidgens paused here allowing Emma to process and react to this. She pushed down her laugh, “Was I supposed to not know that already?”

Hidgens shrugged and continued. “When I was in college, I was part of a closely-knit group of friends. We would play football together or watch movies, or talk into the early hours. One of these friends, Chad, was… special to me.”

“Was he your boyfriend?”

Hidgens snorted, and then grimaced. “No. I wasn’t allowed to call him that, and none of our other friends could know. Chad said they’d hate us. I didn’t want to lose my friends.

“I told Chad about my family situation as a child, which was a rather sad story. He introduced me to something rather beautiful, a concept that I’d like to introduce to you. Chosen family.”

“Chosen family? What does that mean?”

“It means that your family are the people you feel closest to. They can be the people you’re genetically related to, your friends, your dog, or hell, even your pet rock! As long as you see them as your inner circle, they can be your family. You can include, or exclude, whomever you like.”

“So your friends were your chosen family? Sounds logical. But friendships don’t always last forever.” Emma said, remembering the few friends she’d had as a teen. She could barely remember their names now!

“No, they don’t. After I came out to my friends, half of them abandoned me. Chad ended up telling them about our relationship, which isolated us. Both from our friends and from each other. We lost touch.”

“You lost your family? That must’ve been tough.”

“I guess I didn’t lose my family. I remained friends with two guys from the group, and am still close with them. Steve and Stu are my family. I love them.”

“But are they enough?” Emma wondered. “Did you not mention your loneliness to me?”

Hidgens smiled sadly, and nodded. “Yeah. I guess for me, personally, I’d like to include a romantic partner in my family. I tried to date, I even stayed with one guy for over six years! But they never felt right.”

Suddenly Hidgens smiled brightly, which accentuated the wrinkles under his eyes. He got his phone out of his pocket and showed Emma his lock screen. It was a picture of two men, Hidgens being one of them. They were hugging each other’s sides, Hidgens kissing the other man on the cheek.

“It had been over forty years, but Chad contacted me recently. We started talking and we both realised the spark was still there. It felt so right, Emma.”

Emma smiled, taking the phone to take a closer look at the picture. “You both look so happy!”

“We are. I’m meeting his daughter and ex-wife next month. They seem like nice people. It took me a while, too long really, but I’ve found my chosen family. I think it’s time you do the same.”

 

Emma stood on the doorstep. The threshold to a new life. Well, her old life, but better. She realised the liminality of the situation, the doorstep was literally between the old version of her life and the new one.

She was in between them now, but hopefully she could convince Paul to let her step into his life again. If she could only find the words.

She rang the doorbell, her hands shaking. She hadn’t rehearsed this, a part of her hoped Paul wasn’t home, so she would have time to think. But she’d seen his car out front. She could hear footsteps.

The door was opened, and Emma was faced with a Paul that looked different from what she remembered. More tired, more sad, more lost. He was wearing crinkled pyjamas, the red satin ones that she’d made fun of once. He was wearing his glasses. He was also wearing a frown.

“Emma.” His voice sounded less than enthusiastic, but not angry. Just tired.

“Hey.” Well, this was her moment. Time to say something really eloquent, that would convince Paul to be stupid enough to take her back. “Those pyjamas suck.” Ah, yes. Exactly what she’d wanted to say.

Paul tilted his head a little, the frown intensifying. “You’re here.”

Well yeah, that was the obvious part. Emma refrained from saying this aloud, luckily. She’d already managed to insult Paul once, so she should say something nice, something good.

Emma stayed quiet. She studied Paul’s face. Was it paler, or was she imagining that? Was his hair greasy? It was late, maybe that was why he was already in pyjamas and glasses.

Paul stared right back. Tears were in his eyes, but it looked like he didn’t have the energy to cry. Or maybe there weren’t enough tears left. Emma sighed.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

Paul started crying then. “I knew you’d say that. Oh, Emma, please don’t…” He stepped forward, extending his arms a little, before thinking better of it. He awkwardly ran his hands through his hair. Definitely greasy.

“Emma,” His voice was so soft, “I don’t blame you for running that night, but please don’t run away anymore. I… I love you.”

Emma surged forward then, wrapping her arms around Paul’s waist. She didn’t care if this hug suffocated both of them, she’d been suffocating all her life. She held onto Paul, to forget about letting go.

They must’ve stood there for minutes, both of them feeling drained after spending so much time apart. At some point, Emma pulled back a little, not daring to let go completely just yet.

“I’m sorry. When I have a problem, I don’t face it. I run away from it. Like, run away to the other side of the continent. I am _that_ terrible.”

Paul smiled, brushing a hair from her face with his hand, intertwining it with hers after. “I figured. But we can work on it together, if you’d be okay with that.”

Emma had no words, so she merely nodded. But Paul understood. He truly did. And he still wanted to be with her. A voice in her head told her she wasn’t worthy of that, but she shut the voice down. She wasn’t going to let anyone keep her and Paul apart, especially herself.

They went inside, curling up together on the couch. Paul turned off all the lights apart from the fairy-lights above them, and Emma whispered all her darkest secrets and thoughts in his ears. And Paul loved her.

 

Emma had expected the first time their little family all hung out together again to be awkward, but it wasn’t. It had been three weeks since she and Paul got together again, and she had texted with Ted, Charlotte, and Bill, but this had been the first time seeing them again.

They met at Bill’s place, where Alice greeted Emma at the door with a crushing hug. Emma kissed Alice’ forehead, thanking the girl for her support during Emma’s hard times. Alice beamed, and immediately started talking to her about her girlfriend Deb, who had apparently stopped smoking for Alice.

Emma realised she had been wrong, Deb wasn’t like a young Emma. Because young Emma would never have realised how important the good people in her life were. And how important it is to nurture your relationship with them.

When Emma walked into the kitchen, Bill, Ted, and Charlotte ran over for a hug at the same time. They ended up doing this group-hug that embarrassed Alice. Or so the girl said, because she did snap a picture of it.

Paul appeared a few minutes after Emma did, and he received the same treatment. Apparently they hadn’t seen him a whole lot either.

Emma braced herself for awkward silence, but instead everyone just started laughing and making jokes as if nothing had changed. But something had changed, because Emma had started to enjoy it.

They were just starting on dinner preparations when Emma’s phone rang. She noticed her mom’s name on the screen and frowned. They’d already had their weekly call yesterday. Had Emma forgotten their monthly dinner? No, that was next week.

Emma told Bill to take over stirring the soup, and walked over to the other side of the kitchen.

“Emma, hi. Richard and I are going to go through Jane’s stuff tomorrow, I want to clean her room and turn it into a guest bedroom for the girls.” Emma sucked in a breath, her mom was going to get rid of Jane’s stuff? She understood the need to move on, but this seemed like a big decision.

“I, uhm… I thought it would be nice if you were there as well. Maybe you would like to keep something? I just thought… Maybe it’s nice to do it as a family.”

Emma bit her lip, holding back tears. Her mom was finally trying to include her. It had taken her nearly thirty years, but Emma wasn’t going to say no now. In fact… She looked over at Paul, who was cutting the carrots, laughing at some joke Alice had made.

“That sounds nice, mom. Could I take someone with me? He’s someone I’m rather serious about, so it would be nice if you met him.” Emma drove the nails into the palm of her hand. She had no clue how her mom would react to this. Emma had never introduced someone before.

“Of course!” Sarah sounded pleasantly surprised. “How about we do dinner with all of us? Richard said he’d bring the kids, but they’re leaving after dinner so you’ll have some time to sort out Jane’s belongings on your own.”

“That sounds great, mom. Thanks. Six o’clock okay?”

Emma ended the call, saying goodbye to her mother with a much lighter heart. When she told Paul the news, he hugged her close, nearly stabbing her with the knife.

“Careful there, love.” She giggled.

“Sorry, I’m just so happy. Happy men are the most dangerous.”

“Pff, you wouldn’t be dangerous if you tried.”

“You do realise he’s holding a knife, right?” Alice interjected, taking the knife from Paul. “You guys act as if you’re kids!”

“Hey, you’re the only ‘kids’ here right now!” Emma poked Alice’s sides.

“Actually, I turned 18 a few days ago.”

Emma’s face went taunt. “I’m so sorry, I forgot your birthday!”

“It’s okay, it’s – you were busy these last few weeks.” Alice stumbled over her words, trying to console Emma.

“You know what, let’s go shopping sometime! I’ll buy you something nice so you won’t hold this against me for the rest of eternity!”

Alice laughed, “Sure, but you don’t need to pay for me. I’ve actually gotten a job! I work at Beanie’s now.” Emma was laughing so hard, it took her a few moments to calm down enough to explain her former employment there.

Although Emma had disliked her time there, it would make a good first job for Alice. And Emma would have an excuse to go in and see Zoey again!

As the night progressed, Emma noticed herself trying to pull back again. It had gone fine at first, but now she was a little overwhelmed. Her therapist had pointed out that she shouldn’t force herself to be in a situation if it was too much, that she should tell someone and leave. She could then either go back later, or just call it quits for the night.

Paul was deeply engrossed in a conversation with Bill, so Emma excused herself and went into the kitchen. She filled a glass with water and took a few reluctant sips, calming herself.

She looked into the living room from the kitchen, and laughed as she saw Paul being silly. She caught his eye, and he looked at her guessingly. She just shook her head and smiled. She had told Paul about her sessions with her therapist, and he knew that she just needed a moment alone.

In the corner of the room, Emma noticed Charlotte and Ted sitting particularly close to each other on the white sofa. It wasn’t indecent, but they were definitely not behaving like they did with their other friends. Charlotte noticed Emma’s stare and her face went deep red. She quickly came into the kitchen, closing the door for privacy.

“It’s not what it seems!” Charlotte started, but Emma merely smiled.

“I’m just confused. Ted told me you were staying with Sam?”

Charlotte shook her head, biting her lip. She ran her hands over her dress, smoothening it.

“Sam and I are getting a divorce. I finally gained some respect for myself, and I no longer accepted him having none for me.”

“I’m so proud of you! You’re so strong, Charlotte. I’m truly amazed by how well you’ve picked yourself up after all he did to you.”

“Well, I didn’t do it alone. Ted helped a lot.”

“Still, I refuse to believe you wouldn’t have been able to do this on your own.” Emma put down her glass of water, frowning. “Are you dating Ted now? Not that I’d judge you, I think you two could potentially be really good and healthy together.”

“We’re not, not per se. I’m taking a few months to get back up. Plus, I’m not technically divorced yet, so I want to wait for that.” Charlotte shuddered. “You must think I’m so stupid to be with Ted. I mean he’s barely less of an asshole than Sam.”

“People can change.” Emma said, giving Charlotte a side hug. “And although you should always put yourself first, sometimes it’s worth sticking around to see that change.”

Charlotte turned to hug Emma properly. “You are worth sticking around.”

Emma blinked back tears. She took a shaky breath and melted into the hug. “So are you. Thank you for being such a supportive friend.”

“Thank you, too. Without you, I would’ve never thought of leaving Sam. And Ted would’ve probably drank himself to death.” Charlotte pulled away, but held Emma’s hands.

“You’re truly special to all of us, Emma.”

Emma ducked her head, not looking Charlotte in the eye. She wasn’t used to hearing praise, and it would be a while before she didn’t flinch away from it, but she didn’t deny it. It was a start.

 

The next day, Emma was sitting at the dinner table in her childhood home, quietly laughing as Grace kept sneakily placing her vegetables on Paul’s plate. Paul didn’t notice, and kept eating. Grace winked at Emma, who winked right back. Paul could stand to gain a little weight.

Richard, who was sat on Paul’s other side, raised an eyebrow, but Emma just pursed her lips and ignored him. She was no snitch.

She tuned back into the conversation between her mother and Paul. Her mom’s standards were high, but Paul seemed to suffice. He was no hotel-owner like Richard, but apparently an office-job was good enough.

Paul only seemed slightly uncomfortable, so that was good.

“Thank you, Sarah.” Paul said, as Emma’s mother gave him some more potatoes. Emma knew there wouldn’t be dessert (her mom was against ‘unnecessary sugar’), and for once she was actually happy about it. Her mom had prepared an excellent meal today, no doubt to impress Paul.

As dinner came to a close, so did conversation. Grace and Ellie were both a little tired, Ellie’s eyes drooping, so Richard said his goodbyes and took the kids home. Without the girls, Emma felt a little awkward, as if she would actually be forced to talk to her mother for a prolonged amount of time.

That had never made her happy, even though she did suffer through it nowadays. She was her mom’s only child now.

Luckily for her, Sarah send Emma and Paul upstairs right after Richard left. She was walking the neighbour’s dog, so she wouldn’t be home for the next hour and a half.

Paul had to pee, so Emma went upstairs alone. She hadn’t been here in years, she had refused to go upstairs when she returned to Hatchetfield.

She opened the door to her own bedroom first, and smiled. It would have been weird if it had been the way she left it, with posters of rock-bands on the wall opposite the window and sad quotes on post-its plastered on her closet. The room had been painted a soft purple, and now served as a type of library. Sarah had always loved books.

It didn’t hurt Emma to see every trace of her gone from this room, she had never quite belonged here anyway. Her current place hadn’t held much traces of her either, only in recent months had she begun adding photos and memorabilia to the room.

Paul came up behind her, so Emma figured it was time to face the real reason she had come here: Jane’s room. She took Paul’s hand and opened the door. She hadn’t made it two steps in when she started crying.

The room looked exactly the way it did when Emma was 17 and slept in it whilst Jane was gone. Jane had been off to college, and Emma missed her. She would never admit that to anyone, though, so she slept in Jane’s bed in secret.

The walls were covered in wall-paper, white flowers on a blue background. The bed had the same pale-blue sheets, and the same green pillows adorned the bed. There was a chair that hung from the ceiling, something Emma had loved so much that she had bought one for herself a few weeks ago.

There was a white fluffy rug on the floor, and Emma wanted to bury her face in it. She couldn’t though, as Paul was standing right next to her. She let go of his hands and walked over to the bookcase (“Yellow like the sun!” Jane had exclaimed when she had chosen it at age twelve).

“Are you okay?” Paul asked, coming up behind her but keeping a respectful distance. Emma cleared her throat and nodded. She wiped away her tears and turned to smile at her boyfriend.

“This room has always felt very peaceful to me. If I ever buy my own house, I’m decorating the guest room like this.”

Paul smiled, “Sounds good to me.” He looked around the room and pointed at a painting on the wall. It pictured a little girl with a white rose in her hair. “Is that you?”

Emma laughed and shook her head. “No, that’s Julia. Jane painted it and hung it up in here three years ago. There used to be this really ugly collage of her and me as babies, but I’m gonna be real with you, we did not look good…”

Inspecting the room closer, Emma realised it was not exactly as it used to be. There were no more plants, there were fewer books and trinkets. Richard had already gone and taken some of the stuff. Plus, the walk-in closet had been empty for like a decade.

“I guess we should get started. Feel free to look around, I think I’ll just scan the books and CD’s, see if I like anything.”

Paul frowned, “Don’t you want some personal stuff, too? I know you care about Jane.”

Emma bit her lip. He was right, of course, but she didn’t know if she could face it. Plus, Richard had probably already taken the important stuff. What was left probably didn’t matter to anyone anymore.

“Maybe in a bit, I just want to do this first.”

Fifteen minutes later, Emma had put on some music for her and Paul to listen to while they worked. Paul had opened a photobook and was looking at some childhood pictures, asking a question here and there. Emma was definitely taking that with her, if her mom didn’t want it.

She had chosen three books and two CD’s that she wanted to take with her (one of the books was probably hers anyway), and now she really had no excuse to avoid the drawer of personal items she knew was under the bed.

To avoid it just a moment longer, she sat next to Paul and looked at the book he was holding now. It was filled with cards, movie-tickets, receipts, and concert-tickets. Jane’s neat handwriting explained what everything was and why it was important.

Emma laughed as she saw the receipt for Jane’s first fancy dress, and had to blink away tears when she saw that Jane had kept the tickets to every movie she had seen with Richard.

The very last few pages, however, were filled with postcards Emma had send Jane. There weren’t many, and they were very generic, but they were there.

“What did you do when you were in Guatemala? There are so many different cards here!” Paul exclaimed, pointing at one with a few cute puppies on the front.

“Working, mostly. Had to make a living. But all my free time I spent volunteering. That one is from when I worked at an animal shelter in Chimaltenango.”

Paul was staring at her in wonder, so Emma took a defensive stance. “What?”

“You were volunteering for seven years? That’s amazing!”

Wait, amazing? Not weird, or a waste of her time? Emma frowned, but felt happy that Paul liked what she had done. “Thanks, I guess. I never really thought of it like that.”

“Wasn’t Jane proud of you? She seems like the type of person to love people who volunteer.”

“I never told her. She mainly wanted to know if I was safe.” Emma traced her finger over one of the cards that pictured a house Emma had helped to build. “I don’t know why I never told her, that’s so weird. All these cards are pictures of stuff that I’ve done, but I never bothered to write more than a few sentences.”

“Do your parents know?”

“Nope… My dad never really talked to me, not unless my mom made him. And mom would never approve of anything that wasn’t part of a life plan to become successful and great.”

Paul kissed Emma’s forehead. “Well, I’m really proud of you. I think it’s really admirable to dedicate seven years of your life to your community. And don’t tell me you were just running away, that doesn’t deny everything you’ve done.”

Emma blushed, hugging Paul. He was such a sweetheart. And he was starting to really understand her insecurities.

“So, you never told anyone?”

“I told my professor, because we were talking about how I helped plant forests. But no, no one else.”

“Well, thank you for telling me.”

Emma smiled, and felt a little bit better. Maybe now she’d have enough courage to open the drawer. She bit her lip and walked toward it.

“Want to take a look here?”

Paul shrugged, obviously not aware of how important that drawer was. “Sure.”

Emma opened the drawer, picking up stuff like her sister’s favourite drawings and magazines. There was a lion plushie that she immediately pressed to her check. “Mr. Rumbleroar!” She giggled. Paul teased her, but she saw him petting the lion a few moments later.

Going through the drawer was easier than Emma had thought. It hurt, knowing her sister would never look through her favourite stuff again, but it also made Emma smile to think of the happy life her sister had lived.

“Emma, look. This one has a note with your name on it!” Paul suddenly said.

Emma took the package from him, it was wrapped, with a post-it on it. “Dear Emma, I thought you might want this. If not, please give it to me or Sarah, I’d hate for this binder to go unnoticed. Love, Richard.”

“No way! Is this…?” Emma tore open the wrapping paper and grinned at what she held in her hands. It was a Lisa Frank binder, with kittens on the front. Both Emma and Jane had been obsessed with the colours on it.

“Was that yours?”

“No, it was Jane’s. But she used to plan her entire life in this! I wonder how accurate she was!”

Emma opened the binder and flipped through the pages. “Ah, here! 1. Get a cute boyfriend.”

“That one’s been checked off three times!” Paul exclaimed, which made Emma laugh.

“Yeah, look, she wrote their names. William, Rowan, and Dickie. Ugh, I remember when she used to call Richard that.”

“2. Graduate as valedictorian. Checked off, impressive!” Then Paul started laughing. “Look at point 5, lose my virginity in a forest. I’m so happy for her that didn’t happen.”

Emma laughed despite herself, “Gross, dude! I don’t want to think about my dead sister’s sex life!”

Together, Emma and Paul looked at the dozens of bullet points. _Get a pet_ , checked off (“I remember that. Bones the goldfish! Only animal she had time for.”). _Graduate University_ , checked off. _Learn to speak Chinese_ , left unchecked (“Janie was less of a smartie-pants than I thought…”). _Go to all the Guggenheim museums_ , checked off (“Wow, your sister is impressive!”)

After _Get married to the love of my life_ , Jane had drawn a small picture of Richard, which made Emma wonder if she would be doing that for Paul someday. She blushed and quickly read on.

“Have kids, throw a gender reveal party, do a waterbirth… How boring. Let’s skip to the good stuff, maybe there’s some plans she had…” Emma trailed off when she saw Paul’s face. He had this sad but sweet smile on his face, and he was a little teary-eyed. “What?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t know Jane named Grace after you.”

“She didn’t.” Emma looked at the page again.

Yet there it did say… “214. Name a kid after my little sister.” Paul read the words with wonder in his voice. In the margins, Jane had scribbled something. Grace Emma Elizabeth.

Emma looked at the other notes that were dedicated to her. Have Emma be maid of honour. See Emma become a vet, like she wanted when she was little. Visit Emma in Guatemala. They were all left unchecked.

Emma took out her phone and rang her mom. She picked up on the third ring.

“Emma, dear, everything all right?”

“Yeah, uh, I was just going through Jane’s stuff and I noticed something. Do you happen to know the girls’ full names?”

Sarah laughed, “Of course I know! You haven’t given me grandchildren yet, so I must hyper-focus on Jane’s.”

Emma ignored the comment. “What are they exactly?”

“Well, Ellie’s full name is Ellie Luna Lillian, after your father’s mother and a distant aunt Jane had loved as a kid. Then there’s Julia Sarah Scarlett, after, well, me. And Richard’s sister. Oh and little Gracie was named after you! Grace Emma Elizabeth, I think the last name comes from Richard’s grandmother, or was it my aunt? Of course there are so many Elizabeths…”

Sarah continued talking, but Emma drowned her out. Jane had named Grace after her? Grace was Jane’s second child, born years after Emma had abandoned the family. Jane had still cared for her enough at that point to name her daughter after her?

Emma felt a tear slip from her eye, but she was smiling wholeheartedly.

“Emma, are you still here?” Sarah’s voice sounded slightly annoyed.

“Yeah, mom. When are you coming home? Paul and I are almost done and I want to make sure we can say goodbye.”

When Sarah came back after a while, She asked them about their loot.

Paul, little shit that he was, took out the photobook that held Emma’s cards. “This one was my favourite! It really shows their sisterly bond. It’s so nice of Jane to keep all the cards from where Emma has volunteered over the years!”

Sarah frowns, and Emma readied herself for the critique she was about to get. Damn, Paul really should’ve realised Sarah wouldn’t approve.

But Sarah doesn’t say anything, just held her hand to her mouth as tears filled her eyes.

“Are you all right mom?”

“You were volunteering?” It comes out broken.

“Yeah…” Emma frowned, was her mother not angry? Suddenly Emma was enveloped in a crushing hug.

“Oh, my baby! I’d always hoped you were doing something good out there! Jane always told me, she said ‘Emma is smart, she wouldn’t waste her life’, but I didn’t believe her. Oh gosh, I should have believed her.”

Emma felt herself beginning to cry for the second time that night, which is where she drew the line. She pulled away from the hug, but allowed her mom to hold her hand.

“It’s okay mom, I should’ve been more clear back then.”

“Ach, no. No, we should’ve been more open. I guess I was so focussed on your future that I didn’t consider what you wanted. I did that with Jane too, I didn’t want her to get married before she turned 30. But my girls have always known themselves better than I did them.”

Emma smiled. Maybe Paul was better at reading people than she gave him credit for. He had known Sarah would’ve been proud. She let go of her mother’s hand and took his. ‘Thank you.’ She mouthed. He merely nodded.

 

 

 

“Hey, Jane.” Emma sighed, standing next to her sister’s grave.

“This is just fucking weird. There better be a heaven or something, because if you’re not watching me from above right now, I’m just talking to myself and that is way too eccentric for me.”

Emma felt silly doing this, but she knew she had to in order to move on.

“This is the first time I’ve come to see you without you asking me to. Or at least the first time since we were kids.” Emma stood silently for a while, gathering her thoughts.

“I guess I should come to the point, shouldn’t I? But what is the point? That I’ve always felt like you were better than me, that you were? Everyone already knows that, especially me.”

Emma felt like leaving. But she forced herself to continue.

“You were good and kind. People loved you. And they didn’t love me.” Emma took a shaky breath as the tears started falling from her eyes. She saw Paul look at her from across the cemetery, but she just nodded at him and continued.

“I resented you for that. I thought that no one cared about me. That, no matter what I did, I would never live up to you. I was wrong.” Emma laughed joylessly. “Not about the ‘never living up to you’ part. I will never be as amazing and generous and loveable as you are. But I was loved. By you.”

Emma’s legs started shaking, and she sat down beside her sister’s tombstone so she wouldn’t fall over.

“You loved me so much,” Emma cried, “that you named your second daughter after me! You hadn’t seen me in _years_.” She had to force the words out, knowing she needed to say them. “You _loved_ me, when no one else did!”

Emma put her hand on the white marble stone. She felt the cold seep into her hand, but she couldn’t help but feeling some warmth inside. She had been loved.

Emma looked at Paul again, who tried to pretend he hadn’t been staring at her in concern. She smiled.

“I _am_ loved. I wish I knew that when I was younger. I wish I hadn’t left so that I had time to be you sister.” Her voice broke on the last word.

“But I am your sister now. I will help Richard with your children as much as I can. If I ever have kids, I want to name every single fucking one after you, in hopes they are half as kind as you were.”

She laughed, knowing that Jane would’ve glanced at her with a concerned look on her face right about now, trying to figure out if Emma was joking.

“Maybe just one.” Emma said, in case Jane wasn’t sure.

Emma took a deep breath, feeling as though the weight of a thousand boulders had been taken from her shoulders. She was loved, she was alive. She was okay, which was a wonderful place to start.

“I am really sorry if you didn’t know this, but I love you. I have always loved you. And if I ever get to travel back in time, I will come to you before you get into that damned car accident, and I will yell it at you. Maybe not, because it might break the time-space continuum, but I’d make sure you knew.”

She smiled sadly, knowing her sister would have raised an eyebrow at the terrible joke.

“I love you, Janie. I always will.”

She stood up, adjusting the flowers she had carelessly put down when she arrived. She brushed the dirt of her clothes, and looked at the tombstone. Her sister.

Emma had fucked up once, but as she walked over to Paul and hugged him, she knew she was on the road to rectifying that mistake. She would be Jane’s sister; she was fucking proud to be.

Emma kissed Paul’s cheek, standing on tiptoes. Together, they got in his car to go see their family. Bill was bringing his new girlfriend, and Alice and Deb would be there, manning the barbeque. Charlotte had made virgin mojito’s with Ted, and Emma was excited to try them.

She loved their little family, and loved how it was growing and growing. One day, she hoped to be adding a few little branches to the tree. But for now, she listed to Paul humming along to the radio and felt the sun hitting her face. She closed her eyes and took it all in. She was ready.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one-shot, but once I start writing I can’t fucking stop, so I hope you’ve enjoyed this 20000+ fic lmao. Also, I started writing this in April. Luckily it’s summer now and I don’t have any excuses not to write anymore  
> Also, the most unrealistic thing in this fic is that Hidgens sent an e-mail merely hours after he said he would. I’m still waiting on an e-mail from my professor from three months ago  
> Feel free to leave comments!


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